FMA and Facebook really don't mix
by Snoring Tiger
Summary: After a military order, all military personnel have to make facebook accounts. Edward has trouble making his. This is what happens when the FMA charcters have facebook accounts.
1. Edward Elric

_Just don't bother asking why I wrote this XD_

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"Facebook? What the hell is that?" Edward asked as he was handed a military document. It stated that all personnel had to have a facebook account for easy contact and it would need to be updated often. Mustang replied "It's a new website which allows you to 'friend' other people and keep in contact with them. You can also post pictures of yourself on it and write messages to other people. The military wants us to use facebook so they can track us and see if we are well."

"There's something called a telephone...a letter...meeting face-to-face, but no they had to make life more complicated didn't they?" Edward grumbled. "Fine, I'll make a facebook account. Does Al need one too or is just me who needs to suffer?"

"It would be better if only you had an account, the fan girls otherwise..." Mustang smirked. Edward shot his head up. "What about fan girls?"

"You don't need to worry about that now." Mustang responded, thinking it better the boy doesn't learn about fan girls just yet. He could only pray Fullmetal wouldn't put a picture without his shirt on on Facebook.

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"Edward turned on the computer which was in the dorm he and Alphonse shared. It had a big screen and was slow but Edward didn't care considering he barely used it. His younger brother came through the door and handed Edward a sandwich. "Hey brother. Why are you going on the computer?"

"Military order. I have to make a facebook account."

"What's a facebook?" Alphonse asked, confused. To him it sounded like a book with faces in it.

"I dunno, I think it's a website where people keep in contact with each other. God dammit I don't have all day!" Edward kicked the computer which miraculously made it load faster. Within ten minutes they were on the Facebook homepage.

"Well, now what?" Edward blandly asked, staring at the home page for ten minutes.

"I think you're meant to click the signup button there brother." Alphonse pointed to a big button on the screen which indeed said 'Signup'. He saw a virtual form he had to fill in, and he clicked on the first one which was labelled 'First name'.

"Hmm, do I put Edward or Fullmetal?" Edward pondered. After a few seconds of thinking, he typed in _Edward 'Fullmetal'_. He typed in _Elric _for his surname.

"What's next?" Alphonse asked.

"My email address. But I don't have one...OH THAT BASTARD OF A COLONEL IS GONNA PAY!" Edward yelped when he saw his military email address, created by the colonel. He embarrassingly typed in , the ame for Amestris. He then saw he had to repeat his email address.

"What the hell is the point of re-typing the email address? I mean, if you type it wrong the first time, you'll do it wrong again the second. Seriously, this website ain't impressing me at the moment. I think that this website probably just exists either to waste your time or to distract you from more important things. This is so stupid-" Alphonse leaned into the keyboard, highlighted the first email address and pressed the keys 'Ctrl' and 'C' together and then in the second email box he pressed 'Ctrl' and 'V' and the email address appeared there.

"Alphonse, how did you do that?" Edward asked, stopping his facebook rant. Before Alphonse replied, Edward shouted "How did you do alchemy in the computer? Teach me your secrets little bro!" Sighing Alphonse showed him the keyboard shortcuts. After testing it for pure fun of testing it, he decided to get back to creating his facebook account.

"Alphonse, what should my password be?"

"Make it something that no-one else can guess." Alphonse replied. Edward typed in 'Colonelbastard'. Alphonse sighed. "I said make it something no-one'll guess. Anybody would figure that out in a second."

"What did I type?" Edward asked. He knew Alphonse wasn't even looking when he typed the password, so how the hell could he tell what he typed?

"You made it colonel bastard I guess. What, why're you giving me that face? It was so obvious." Alphonse exasperatedly told his brother. So Edward re-considered and ended up typing 'pieisawesome' as his password.

"My gender is a dude, thank you very much." Edward muttered as he checked 'Male' for his gender. "And my birthday..." Edward was about to put his real birthday in when he remembered Mustang mentioning fan girls. Surely if they found his account they would choke him to death with their gifts for him. So Edward instead put in 'September 20, 1899'.

"Brother that's not your birthday." Alphonse said.

"Stalkers." And from past experience Alphonse knew what he was talking about.

Edward pressed the Signup button at the bottom of the page and after waiting two minutes for the page to load he was taken to a page which required him to put up a profile picture. Luckily his ancient computer had a camera built into it so he took a picture of him with his arm around Alphonse into the camera while fake grinning and he soon had that picture set as his profile picture. He was then redirected to a page which informed him to enter his 'Likes'.

"Let me see...alchemy, sparring, showing up my boss, eating, sarcasm, pie, stew, travelling, sleeping, beating up homunculus, procrastination and not working." Edward muttered to himself as he typed that in. After that he had to type in his favourite books and his favourite quotes.

"Don't have any favourite books, the only ones I read are alchemy related so I'll skip that part. Favourite quotes, oh how I have some." Edward grinned evilly as he typed in:

"_Al: So what's your strategy brother? Me: I TOLD YOU A FIST IN HIS FACE!"_

_FOR SCIENCE!_

_Humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. To obtain, something of equal value must be lost. That is alchemy's first law of equivalent exchange._

"Right, so my profile page is finished now. Time to 'friend' people. Hey Al, you doing okay?" Edward checked up on his brother.

"This is getting slightly boring. I'm going to the library. I'll be back soon." Alphonse got up and left the room, shutting the door behind him. Edward turned his attention back to the computer screen and saw another search box where to type people's names. In ten minutes he was already friends with Mustang, Riza, Havoc, Fuery, Breda (he couldn't find Falman), Winry, Ling, May, Alex Armstrong (Olivier denied his friend request), Hughes, Bradley, Envy and oddly Hoenheim somehow found him and friended Edward.

Returning to his home page, he saw another box called 'status' which told him to write how he felt at the moment. He typed in it:

_This facebook stuff is really pissing me off. It's too confusing for my liking._

After five minutes he saw Winry had liked his status and Mustang commented on it: _Well someone's angry. _Edward typed back: _Well someone's sarcastic. _He then decided to click on Mustang's profile to check it out. There was a picture of him grinning in the photo with the background being flames which he probably made himselfto show off. He saw in a text box underneath his picture he had written _Flames are awesome, especially for cooking shrimp ;). _Edward decided he'd yell at Mustang for that later. He noticed that there was an option to 'poke Mustang'. Annoyed that there wasn't a 'bitchslap' or 'punch' button, he repeatedly clicked the poke button.

_You can only send one poke at a time. _Popped up on his screen. Edward ranted "What, that's bull! I can poke him multiple times in real life, why not here?" He went back to his profile page and saw that Hoenheim had poked him. Edward only stared at the screen in horror before saying "Hoenheim, I don't care if you are my father, there is _no way in hell _I'm going to 'poke' you. Ew." Edward logged off the computer.

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_Right, this another series I have decided to write to cure my boredom. You'll also see different characters getting facebook profiles, but for now I'll mainly focus on Edward. Tell me if you liked this chapter!_

_Fma crusher xx_


	2. Envy

_Because it didn't show up in the first chapter, Ed's email address given to him by Mustang is: edward_loves_shrimp hot mail. ame _

_Today Envy learns about the fan girls! Thanks to Broken-Becca for letting me use her name ^^_

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"Damn Greedling, telling the fan girls about my facebook account." Envy muttered, logging onto his computer. "I mean, why the hell do I even _have _fan girls? My hair is green. _Green. _Yet they still love me. Damnit!" When Envy looked at his facebook account, he saw he had 4792 notifications. Hesitantly, he clicked on his status and saw that tons of girls had written things like "OMG I LOVE YOU ENVY!" "YOU AND I ARE SOUL MATES!" "WILL YOU BE MY HUSBAND?"

"I hate fan girls. So annoying, don't they know I'm busy trying to ruin that pipsqueak Fullmetal's life? Damn, looks like I'll have to edit this." Envy grumbled. He deleted some of the many wall posts (it took him quite a long time to delete a quarter of them) and just as he was about to change his user name a person with the name of Broken-Becca sent him a message saying :

_Hello my little Envy!_ Envy screamed in annoyance at this and typed back:

**I AM NOT YOURS AND I'M NOT LITTLE! THAT'S FULLMETAL'S JOB!**

_Aww, you know you love me ;D_

**FOR HELL'S SAKE I DON'T! I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE YOU STALKER! LEAVE ME ALONE!**

_Just because you're in denial ^^ _Envy really was getting pissed off by this point.

**SHUT THE HELL UP AND GO BOTHER SOMEONE ELSE. WHY DON'T YOU ANNOY GREEDLING?**

_Because he's not as awesome as my little Envy!~_

Envy just sighed at this and muttered "Damn straight, but I ain't giving her the satisfaction." Envy just closed the message and ignored all of the messages Broken-Becca continued to send. Returning back to his profile page, he saw that Edward had posted something on his wall.

_Poor you, having fan girls. They haven't found me yet xD_

**You wouldn't be laughing if it was you shrimp. **Envy commented on the wall post.

Envy, in an attempt to get rid of his fans, wrote on his wall **This isn't Envy's account. Actually this is Jean Havoc's. Glad to know I have so many female fans for me ;)**

Almost instantly after posting that Envy got no more messages. In fact, girls were actually starting to _delete _their messages which made Envy smirk and think 'Mission complete. Now I can update my profile for the first time in a long time.' Clicking on the info tab on his page, he scrolled down to the likes section. Reading through them all, Envy realised some of them were missing.

"Looks like I need to add some. I don't want people thinking I'm boring and have nothing to like." Envy instantly went on what I like to call a liking spree. In the end, he liked all of these pages:

_Like if your hair is a funky colour, Rock music forever! , Teasing short people is fun!, Yes evilness is a career, That one person who lives to annoy you, Your family scares you at times, COOKIES!, No I am not a plant!, You just can't understand how awesome I am, Like if you think there's one person who hates your guts, dressing up as different people, DRAGONS, I am secretly obsessed with video games...it ain't secret now, When life gives you lemons squirt the juice into people's eyes, shove the rest down their throats and smudge the juice on their lips so they suffer slowly * grins evily*_

Nodding at his work, Envy decided to log out for the day.

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"Envy, I noticed that you don't have a facebook account anymore." Father stared at Envy, waiting for an answer. Envy sighed "I do, but I just pretended it wasn't me. Those damn fan girls are killing me-not that any of you would have that problem." Envy smirked at his siblings.

"Go. And. Say. It's. Yours. Now." Father pointed at the computer located at the back of the room. "We need to have facebook to tell the world of our plans to destroy them Envy. I thought you honestly knew better than this." Envy sighed as he sat down and logged onto his facebook account. He grudgingly deleted his previous post and wrote **This is Envy's official page. Spam it with your declerations of love and I will find a way to kill you over the internet!**

As expected, a message from Broken-Becca popped onto his wall : _I knew you would never leave us Envy-chan :3 _Envy just ignored it. Greedling strolled over to the computer and laughed at the message.

"Well aren't you popular Envy? Look at all your little girlfriends." Greedling snickered.

"SHUT UP! I don't even know why they like me! They're so damn annoying!"

"I think everyone in this room can now safely say we don't know why they like you Envy." Greedling muttered. Lust laughed from where she was sitting with Gluttony. Envy turned his head. "Hey! I heard that you guys!"

"Whatever. Have fun bro." Greedling walked away and left the lair, with the other homunculus in tow. Except for Envy. Who wanted to get revenge on Greedling for teasing him. As Envy logged out, he saw to his delight that Greedling's email address and password were automatically saved. Pressing the login button, Envy saw that he was now on the facebook account of Greedling. Envy first checked his messages and saw he was messaging a girl called Lan Fan. After reading through the whole message, Envy typed in: _I love you. Be mine forever? :) _

Envy typed onto Greedling's wall : _Will take off shirt for fans. Any interested? ;) you know you want to._

Finally, after searching the web for the perfect image, Envy selected the picture of a famous auto mail engineer called Dominic. _That'll show that bastard for teasing me. _Envy thought to himself, logging out quickly.

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_Sorry for later update than planned, I've just had writer's block with this story. I don't know why today's theme was fan girls, I just kinda felt like it so there :P this isn't going to be updated frequently, but I will not let it die! I promise you guys that!_

_Oh, and thank you so so so so much to everyone who reviewed for the first chapter, not one chapter I've written before has got that many reviews before, it made me really happy :3_

_AEW Alchemist (No way am I writing it all out)_


	3. Roy Mustang

Mustang yawned at his desk at work, ignoring the papers which currently covered half of it. It was a rather tedious and boring day at work as usual, and he was sure his left hand was getting a hand cramp after signing document after document. He had to get out of doing his work, and fast before he would fall asleep.

"Lieutenant, I need to go check my facebook account." He dramatically told Hawkeye, who rolled her eyes.

"Isn't that website just an excuse to put off your work and aids you in your quest for permanent procrastination?" Hawkeye suspiciously asked. Mustang only laughed at her to stall for a few seconds while he came up with a legitimate excuse.

"Nonsense! The Führer assigned me to have a facebook account, so I shall, to the death, treat it with the upmost respect. And because I respect my page, others will too-FULLMETAL WHEN I FIND YOU YOU'LL BE A BURNT SHRIMP!" Mustang shouted while looking at his facebook page.

Hawkeye looked over his shoulder and found out what he was so mad at. On his page she saw that Edward had sent links to various miniskirt companies, and as a caption he wrote on them_: _**these should keep you busy for a while ;) have fun looking at them!**

"That arrogant, annoying, snotty brat has it coming." Mustang muttered to himself furiously as he went on the internet and found pictures of shrimps and sent the links to Edward's facebook page, writing as a note: _Not so funny when it happens to you, Shrimp. _Riza just sighed at her commanding officer's 'battle' and walked out of the room, leaving him to his own devices.

Mustang now could do what he liked to argue with Edward online. This was one of the reasons Mustang liked facebook; he could argue with whoever on it whenever he liked! It was an amazing event to experience, and Mustang, when bored, could abuse the privilege.

He saw he had a notification and when he clicked on it, he saw that Edward had commented on the links of the picture of shrimp. Mustang found out that Edward didn't liked to be messed with, even online.

**Mustang you bastard, when I come back to Central you'll wish you were never born!**

_Why Fullmetal, I was merely suggesting that when you and Al return here we throw a shrimp banquet. I would even do the honours of cooking the shrimp. _Mustang typed back, satisfied.

**I hate you.** Edward typed back almost instantly.

_You do know that could be seen as being insulting to a superior officer, which could get you court marshalled._

**I'm so sorry, I hate you with an immense intensity. Better?**

_Rude shrimp._

**JERK! LEAVE ME ALONE I'M TRYING TO SLEEP! SOME OF US DON'T HAVE TO BE AT WORK NOW!**

Smirking to himself and following Edward's request, Mustang decided to look on different people's pages and decided to annoy some other people in an attempt to battle his boredom. Typing his best friend's name into the search bar, he was soon on Hughes' profile. Going to his pictures (Hughes had uploaded 2510 pictures), he went one of the many photos of Elysia and typed on it: _Not the very best picture you've taken mate._

He got the desired response from Hughes:

_Hmph, you're just jealous that I can even take photos of my darling little angel who was sent to Earth from Heaven! Admit it, she looks so cute and adorable in this picture, doesn't she? DOESN'T SHE? DOESN'T SHE._

_Of course she does Hughes. _Mustang actually sighed in real life as he typed back to his slightly hyper friend. Mustang, getting bored of teasing Hughes decided to take it a notch higher.

_I saw you in the hallway today, Major General Armstrong, and let me be the first to tell you that you looked exceptionally feminine today :D_

Ah yes, Major General Olivier Armstrong. What fun it was to annoy her. Mustang just loved annoying her, and in turn Olivier loved to insult him back, as her response proves:

_Wow, you must have more balls than usual today._

Mustang laughed at this and decided to embarrass someone he would great delight out of teasing.

"I'm such an evil boss...oh well." Mustang thought to himself, in a professional manner any caring boss would as he clicked on Jean Havoc's account. Mustang was infamous in Central HQ for stealing Havoc's girlfriends (should he be lucky to get any) and decided to ruin any chances he had.

_Hey, I got a call from Jacqueline a few minutes ago, she wants to know when you'll send her the money to help her raise your child you abandoned._

Havoc, who was working diligently at his desk, noticed he got a message.

"Colonel Mustang sir, can I please just go on facebook for a few seconds? I just got a notification, and I want to check it." Havoc asked Mustang, who was managing to hide his smirk.

"Go right ahead Havoc."

"Thanks colonel. You're such an amazing boss." Havoc then clicked on the notification.

"Thanks colonel. You're such an amazing boss." Havoc sarcastically said out loud after reading Mustang's message. Mustang laughed at Havoc's expense.

"You know what's great Havoc? Only I can delete that!" Mustang gleefully shouted. "Facebook is so awesome isn't it~?" Mustang was sure if he kept going on, he would develop an embarrassing case of Sparkly-itis.

"Ah damnit colonel! Do you just live to ruin my love life?" Havoc sulked, walking up to a corner, taking out a black marker pen and colouring it in till the wall was pitch black before sulking there.

Mustang, to finish his work before he had to start his work again, set his status as _After today I have realised that I am probably the person most sensitive to other people's feelings I know. _

Mustang couldn't hold back some of his snickering as he saw some of the comments left on it.

(From Edward) **You bloody wish.**

(From Hughes) _I might have agreed with you, until you insulted my darling Elysia who's turning three in two months!_

(From Olivier) _Wow, apparently the more balls you get, the less brain cells you keep. Interesting fact._

(From Havoc) _Worst. Boss. In. Existence T.T_

(Edward)** He insulted you guys too?**

(Hughes and Havoc) _Uh-huh._

(Olivier) _I will not succumb to talking to you Edward, in real life or on facebook._

Mustang learnt two important life lessons in the ten minutes he spent goofing off on facebook:

One: All the people he knew either got angry too easily or were too sensitive for a little joke.

Two: Olivier _really _hates Edward.

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_I'm sorry, this was meant to be up sooner, but I kinda lost my motivation to update quicker. If one of you can give me a good reason to update this fic quicker, this will be updated weekly :)_

_AEW Alchemist_


	4. Greedling

_This is a sequel to chapter 2 :)_

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"Gah, it's been a long day." Greedling sighed, logging onto facebook on the computer in the homunculus' lair. All day there was nothing for Greedling to do, so he logged onto facebook in hope of finding something to do. It could be quite boring when you weren't preparing to kill an entire nation and suddenly there was nothing for you to do apart from wait.

"Envy, you bastard." Greedling growled under his breath when he saw his picture was now of a sixty year old auto mail mechanic. In confusion, he saw that Edward's mechanic had written on his wall:

_Dominic, I never knew you were online! I love your work ^^ please hire me!_

Greedling sighed at the girl's stupidity, and deleted the wall post.

"I guess I need to change my picture now; I'm not an old dude and have no intention of becoming one anytime soon, or ever really." Greedling muttered. Father turned from his 'throne' and glared at his 'son'.

"Don't insult your dear old dad, it's rude." Father lectured before rubbing his back. "Now if you excuse me, I need to catch my forty winks. G'night son."

"Er...it's three in the afternoon. Our evil boss is a grandfather. What, the, hell." Greedling mumbled, face palming at the sheer strangeness of his father. Getting back to his current mission, Greedling turned on the computer's webcam and to his relief, he found it still worked.

"Right...how should I pose for my profile picture?" The Ling part of him pondered. The Greed side laughed.

**You've never posed for a picture before, you Xingese brat?**

_Shut up, I never needed to. Why, how can you pose awesomely for a picture? _Ling asked.

**You just need to look powerful and amazing, handsome and bold, and most importantly, AWESOME! **Greed declared.

_And how do you do all of that at once? I'm beginning to doubt you Greed._

**Fool! Let me prove you wrong; allow me to demonstrate! **Greedling then glared into the camera while having a malicious grin on his face. The lighting of the dark room made it look like half of his face was red and the other half pitch black. The picture came out slightly creepy.

_Greed...I want to look awesome, not like a clown. _Ling complained.

**You mean 'we'! Fine, what's your idea if you're so great at taking a picture, huh?**

_How about just a smile...is that really so hard..._

**Like it or not brat, you now belong to an evil society called the 'Homunculus'...we're evil. No, we need to look scary yet awesome at the same time! Why can't you understand that?**

_Ooh! Ling has an idea that we'll both like! C'mon, give it a chance! I promise it's not a smile._

**...Fine.**

Greedling then started to melodramatically evil laugh in the camera, with the red light faintly covering his face. It actually did come out evil yet awesome at the same time, so the Greed part of Greedling was satisfied. Greedling nodded at the result, and after five minutes of waiting for the computer to load, Greedling's profile picture was now restored to its former glory.

_**Oh yeah, we did good! **_Greed and Ling shouted to their inner souls, high-fiving.

Greedling then noticed that Edward had posted a rather longer message than usual onto his wall:

_DO NOT READ THIS MESSAGE-_

"If you don't want me to read it, why did you send it to me? Moron shrimp." Greedling mentally face palmed, hating the boy's logic.

_-13 years ago Rebecca Catalina was kidnapped and taken into a deep forest somewhere out in the distant East and was murdered by having her throat slit. Her screams couldn't be heard by anyone so she died a painful death alone. She is still alive in spirit and can see you read this message. If you don't pass it on by midnight, her soul will kill you, just like how she was 13 years ago. PASS IT ON!_

Greedling stared at the screen for a couple of minutes before bursting out in laughter at the message. Edward Elric, child protégé, living genius, believed in chain letters. It was so strange it was hilarious for the homunculus and prince. Greedling proceeded to tell Edward this was a hoax.

_Edward...you do realise this is fake right? _Greedling typed out, and instantly got a reply.

**No way, this is some scary shit Greedling. No-one could make this up! **

_I think I've heard of Rebecca Catalina before...isn't she Riza's friend? _It was true, Greedling had heard Wrath mention Mustang's crew and company, so he had heard that Rebecca was alive and well.

**...Maybe...but seriously Greedling, you should be thankful I'm preparing you for the ghost who will KILL YOU IF YOU DON'T RE-POST THIS!1!**

_...Edward, you dumbass. I am a homunculus. I have tons of lives in my core, this ghost of which you speak would have a hard time killing all of them, especially as their only physical form is the Philosopher's Stone. Besides, there must be tons of people who don't re-post this crap, she can't kill all of us who were graced with brains, can she?_

**Don't doubt the power of the ghosts Greedling. **Edward seriously and honestly replied.

_Right Edward, I'm going to stop talking to you now. But aren't you a man of science? You shouldn't believe in something as childish as a chain letter._

Greedling actually waited a few minutes for a reply, but found that Edward didn't try to correct himself.

"Dumb kid. This is what happens when you give kids facebook." Greedling seriously stated, almost in a PSA-like fashion. Greedling, his boredness slowly creeping back upon him, checked his messages, and-

"ENVY, YOU COMPLETE AND UTTER BASTARD! HOW DARE YOU!" Greedling roared, when he saw that Envy had written to Lan-Fan that he (Greedling) had confessed his love to her. "Just cos you only have stalker fan girls* and I'm trying to create a proper relationship with a girl. Damn, what the hell do I write back? Ling, you know her, what the hell do I write back?" Greedling panicked.

_Do you actually love her Greed? Do you? _Ling asked in a way that teenage girls do to their friends.

**...Not at the moment, I just want to have a stable friendship with her...**

_Ooh, I know just what to say to Lan-Fan then! Gimme control, my brother from the same...father? _Ling tried and failed to say in a gangster style. Sighing, Greed let Ling take control of the keyboard. Greedling, smiling, typed:

_Hey, that wasn't me who wrote it, honest. That was Ling trying to take control of me. Sorry about that, do you want to meet up sometime soon? :D_

**Brat, I could've come up with that in two minutes. You're less dim than a light bulb which has been repeatedly stepped on and has been broken for twenty years, only to have been transmuted into a spork. What I'm saying is that you're stupid.**

_That's not a very nice way to speak to the to-be Emperor or Xing is it? Lan-Fan will understand, so all's well that ends well. Why don't you log off facebook and let's play hide-and –seek?_

**...We're the same person.**

_Or we could beat up Envy? _Ling suggested to Greed.

**Let's get that bastard.**

Greedling logged out of facebook and ran out of the homunculus lair to try and find Envy.

On the bright side, Greedling was no longer bored.

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*_Greedling said it, not me. Go hate him instead :3_

_I did keep my promise ^^ _

_When it goes from either Ling or Greed speaking to Greedling, I mean the body of Greedling. Hope that clears any questions up._

_-AEW Alchemist_


	5. Truth

"Sigh, no new friend requests, no messages, no new activities, nothing. Why doesn't anybody want to be my friend?" Truth sighed, checking his facebook page. It clicked on his profile page, and the only notice on it said "Truth has joined Facebook.", and that was from two years ago. Suddenly there was a popping noise, and to the Truth's delight, it had a friend request.

"Finally, somebody acknowledges I exist!" Truth cried as he clicked on the friend request button and saw the request was from somebody called Neoko-chan.

"I don't know you, but of course I'll say yes! Finally, a friend!" Truth accepted the friend request, and instantly it saw that Neoko-chan posted a message on his wall.

_Truth, I'm your biggest fan! I hope we can become really, really, __**really **__good friends!_

"Hmm, so this is what it's like to have a friend. I feel all fluffy inside. If I ever met Neoko-chan here, I wouldn't take a toll from her." Truth said to itself as it replied:

_Thank you. I hope we can be good friends too._

After a few seconds, it saw that Neoko had left another message. Truth nearly giggled when it saw it had another notification.

"So this is why people have facebook. It's so fun!" Truth mumbled quietly, scared of being heard by the residents of inside the gate.

_Ooh, I knew you loved me to! It was love at first sight, the first time I saw you! So, when's the wedding?_

"Huh?" Truth cried, typing that.

_You know, the day we become husband and wife. I love you Truth! *heart symbol*_

"Oh. I believe she is what they call in Amestris a 'fan girl' or 'stalker'." Truth almost shuddered. "To think that I wanted to be friends with her!"

_One, I am genderless. Two, I take the form of whoever I see, so you would really be marrying yourself (if you have a big ego that's fine). Finally, I do not want to be friends with a stalker like you!_

Truth actually felt powerful and evil (how it usually did) as it deleted Neoko-chan from its friend list.

"Huh...that kept me entertained for about two minutes, but now I don't have any friends again. It can be hard being the divine ruler of the world; people become scared of you or stalk you." Truth sighed, before he heard a ping and saw that Edward Elric wanted to be friends with it. Truth clicked the accept button.

"I'm popular today!" It said to itself, wondering why people wanted to be its friend today.

Well, it wasn't sure if Edward wanted to be friends.

_**You utter bastard! Truth, 'apparently' the ruler of our world, is quite happy to take a child's arm and leg and their younger brother's body, but is happy to sit around on the computer! You make me sick, you bastard. If you don't give us our bodies back soon, I swear I will go to the gate just to kick your ass!**_

"That's not very nice of him. It was his mistake so I got his toll." Truth said to itself.

_Equivalent exchange, no? Your leg for visiting the gate, your arm for your brother's soul. I thought that an alchemist like yourself understood the principles of alchemy._

Truth waited for a reply, and he did get one.

_**Shut up you bastard! Anyway, you play Farmville don't you?**_

"How does he know about that? And why does he care?" Truth asked to itself.

_What's it to a pathetic human like yourself?_

_**I have an idea. I have been playing for a while and I am the best player in all of Amestris (**_It was true, Edward played that game five hours a day for a month_**), so if I give you ownership of my account, can my little brother get his body back?**_

Truth honestly thought a couple of minutes before answering.

_That is quite tempting Elric. But sadly, you have to give me something materialistic, it can't be virtual._

_**BASTARD!**_

_How am I a bastard? I took your offer into consideration Edward, what's wrong about that?_

_**How can you think that my brother's body is almost equivalent to an account on Farmville? **_

_Not just any account, the best in Amestris. _Truth corrected the boy, but Edward was past rational thought.

_**THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE! YOU ALMOST SWAPPED MY BROTHER'S BODY FOR A DAMN FARMVILLE ACCOUNT ON FACEBOOK! WHY DID KNOWLEDGE OF THE GATE OR BRINGING BACK MY BROTHER'S SOUL COST SO HIGH, BUT HIS BODY IS ALMOST WORTHLESS TO A PRICK LIKE YOU? TRUE, IT WOULD'VE BEEN THE EASIEST WAY TO GET OUR BODIES BACK TO NORMAL, BUT SERIOUSLY!**_

_Edward, I think you need to calm down. _Truth wrote back. There was another Facebook ping ©, and Truth saw that Edward had removed Truth from his friend list.

"He must really be angry with me, the foolish human." Truth grinned a Cheshire grin before seeing how many friends Edward had.

"189 friends? How did he get that many? And from the looks of it, none of them are stalkers! Why does that human get all the luck..." Truth mumbled before getting an idea.

"Why don't I friend request everybody on his friend list? Then I'll get more friends. Let's get started!" Truth shouted, clicking on every one of the boy's friends and clicking "Add as Friend.".

After half an hour it had sent a friend request to everyone on Edward's friend list. The result was quite shocking for Truth.

"Not one. Not one measly, foolish, incompetent, stubborn, annoying humans wants to be my friend! What the gate! I mean, I've only hindered the lives of Edward Elric and his brother, Izumi Curtis, and soon to be a member of the military. Why does the whole flipping country hate me then?" Truth cried, bashing its head against the keyboard.

Surprisingly, Izumi accepted his friend request after it smashed its head against the keyboard.

"Izumi? Why does she want to be my friend?" Truth wondered.

_Izumi, I hope we can become good friends, regardless of our past. _Truth tried to be kind to Izumi who wasn't having any of that.

_No way in hell. _Izumi replied. _The only reason you're on my friend list is because I want to have more friends than my stupid apprentices. Let me be one of the many to tell you that I hate you and you don't deserve to be happy. Just turn around, open the gate which you guard, step inside and shut it behind you._

Truth logged out of his Facebook account.

"Today I dealt with a stalker, being yelled at by a brat about Farmville, being lectured by Izumi, and having all of Amestris and some people of Xing and a couple from Ishval reject me...Screw Facebook, I'm off to Twitter."


	6. Kain Fuery

As Fuery logged onto Facebook this afternoon after work, he noticed that about five of my Facebook friends had this as a status:

_1916 is nearly over. Confess something you have always wanted to tell me or ask me. Inbox me, so it's 100% private. Put this as your status. You might be surprised._

"Hmm, sounds interesting," Fuery noted as he scrolled further down the home page and saw that everybody on his friend list had this as their status (except Olivier, Fuery assumed she didn't give a damn about what anyone thought of her). Fuery stopped scrolling and saw that Edward had put the message as his status and that he left a comment underneath it:

**Mustang you jerk! For the love of all that is sane, I AM NOT A SHORT SHRIMP BASTARD! Besides, what type of question is "Have you ever kissed a man?" LEAVE ME ALONE YOU PEDOBEAR OF A BOSS!**

Fuery couldn't help but go bug-eyed at Edward's comment and the question Mustang left him. How could a subordinate so openly be disrespectful to their boss? And what type of boss asks their subordinate (who is only 15 years old mind you) such a personal question? And why was there a random popping noise from the computer?

Fuery already knew the answers to the first two questions, and soon found out that the popping noise was a notification from facebook. Fuery clicked on the world button with the red number on it and saw that Mustang had left a message on his wall.

_Fuery, as your commanding officer, I order you to set your status to the same as the rest of us._

"But why?" Fuery complained to the computer as he typed into the status box:

_1916 is nearly over. Confess something you have always wanted to tell me or ask me. Inbox me, so it's 100% private. Put this as your status. You might be surprised._

Instantly he got an inbox message from Mustang. Fuery opened the message and saw it said:

_Thank you Fuery for being a great subordinate. _

"Aww. But why couldn't you just tell me at work?" Fuery asked his computer again, ignoring the fact that his computer couldn't answer. He saw he got a message from Olivier:

_Fuery, when are you going to get more balls?_

As soon as he read the message, he instantly deleted it while blushing. He knew he was shy and quiet, but that didn't mean that the higher ups should pick on him for that. Fuery had some respect for Olivier, but was completely terrified of her. Before he could do more musing, Havoc had sent him a message:

_Yo Fuery, you're a great pal, I just wanted to say. Hey, with your knowledge of technology, could you make me a brainwashing helmet I could use on ladies?_

_**Thanks Havoc, you too :). Sorry, I don't know anybody who can do that. Ask me in about twenty years, maybe it'll be invented by then. **_Fuery typed back, feeling sorry for Havoc.

Another message was sent to Fuery by Edward.

"Wow, I'm popular today!" Fuery said to himself as he opened the message, which read:

**Fuery, I know it's 100% private, but promise you won't tell anyone this.**

_Of course Ed. What is it? _Fuery typed back, confused at what the genius alchemist would want to tell him.

**Well, you're one of the only adults that I trust and know will be there for Al should anything happen to me. Just...thanks for being a good person.**

"Wow, it's not like Ed to be serious on Facebook. That's so nice of him to say," Fuery mumbled to himself as he typed back the response _Thank you so much, you know I'd do anything for you boys._

"Well, it's time for me to check up on my Café World café!" Fuery said as he clicked on the link to his own café. When Fuery was just a young boy, he was interested in cooking and was quite good at it, but after it was declared un-cool to cook by the boys in his class, he turned to technology instead. When he joined facebook and saw he could make his own virtual café, Fuery was ecstatic.

"Oh wow, I have a lot of customers," Fuery whispered in awe as he saw that his level 38 café had about 200 virtual customers in it spontaneously virtually eating their virtual food before virtually leaving the virtual café (after virtually paying of course).

"It's like I'm seven all over again," Fuery said "I feel so happy being able to cook and make the pixel people happy!" Fuery put some hamburgers on the stove before logging out of Café World. He saw that no-body else had sent him messages and he had no new notifications.

"I guess I'll log out for today," Fuery sighed as he logged out of facebook and off the computer.

* * *

_It's not that long cos the muse has slightly escaped me today._

_On the bright side, Thank the Gate my exams are over!_

_Hope you enjoyed :3_

_-AEW Alchemist_


	7. Jean Havoc

That night at the bar had been quite an unsuccessful night for Jean Havoc, even more so than usual. All that he had managed to accomplish was getting five slaps across the face from various women he had been trying-and failing-to flirt with, get rejected seventeen times and get piss drunk. Havoc felt rather depressed as Breda carried him into his house and left him on the sofa. After just laying there being all depressed, Havoc got up and turned his old computer on while he went to try and wash his face-and he didn't even do that, he just got soap in his eye.

He didn't know what was making him desire to log onto Facebook, but as he logged onto his account he typed as his status:

_Woohw shatyered soo drunk out mind ! (_Translates to Woo! Shattered and so drunk out of my mind!)

As soon as he hit enter, he saw that Edward had already commented on it:

**Wasted again Havoc?**

As well as Mustang:

_Another unsuccessful night with women, huh?_

Havoc got annoyed at Mustang's comment. It's not like he knew any of that _magic _crap that Mustang did, was as high ranking an officer as Mustang was, or, as much as he hated to admit it, as pleasing to the eye as Mustang was. The fact that the smug bastard knew it really struck a nerve with Havoc. He dramatically and angrily typed back:

_OI YOU SHADDUPPPP RIITE, LEVVE MME AWONLE ADN YUO JUSS SHAD TEH HEKK UPS!1!1_

Mustang replied: _Care to translate Fuery?_

Fuery then commented a minute later saying: _I think what Havoc was trying to say was 'Oi, you shut up right, leave me alone and you just shut the hell up!' but even as a master of technology I can't confirm this. _

Edward then brought up a very good point: **How the hell did he even log on if he's piss drunk?**

Havoc was getting annoyed with them chatting and constantly giving him notifications so he just ignored them. Havoc wanted revenge on Mustang, wanted to make him pay for existing and stealing all of his potential girlfriends! But the question was, how? How could he show that smug Colonel that he had the support of women too? Just as he was wondering this, he saw the facebook option 'Create A Group'.

Havoc, an idea forming in his mind, clicked the button. He suddenly and miraculously felt more sober than before, and managed to type the title of the group successfully-**Havoc Has More Girlfriends Than Mustang.**

The section under that asked Havoc to put the name of his friends that he wanted to join the group. After a while of thinking, all of these people were listed as in his group: _Heymans Breda, Vato 'Know It All' Falman, Kain Fuery, Riza Hawkeye, Rebecca Catalina, Maria Ross, Olivier Armstrong, Winry Rockbell, Pinako Rockbell (_Thanks to the power of Friend Finder©),and for some strange reason _Roy 'Badass' Mustang. _Havoc, proud with this list of random people from work, clicked the OK button, and now his group was set up, with all of its glory.

There was an issue though-people were removing themselves from the group straight away. From the eleven members the group had (including Havoc himself) after three minutes, the only people left were Rebecca, Havoc and Mustang.

Just then a status was posted on the wall of the group: _You may be asking why I am still a part of this group that is obviously against me. The answer to this question is very simple-I am enjoying watching your pathetic attempts to outdo me fail. Badly._

Havoc sighed, taking a drag on his cigarette that he miraculously managed to light without setting anything on fire. It was true, he would never be able to beat the Colonel at anything. But then an angel to Havoc, in the form of Rebecca Catalina, defended Havoc.

_Oi, watch it Mustang! It's not like any of you Central men are ideal for a wonderful woman such as myself or even Riza for that matter, but Havoc's probably closer than you at it. You're just a rider, Havoc actually cares about his girl (well, when he can find one)._

Havoc nearly laughed out of joy at what she had said, and to make things better Mustang didn't reply. Havoc felt on top of the world, cos not only had Mustang been defeated in 'battle', but he would have a date tomorrow night. Havoc stood up to hug his screen's monitor.

"Thank you facebook~" He cried joyously before his brain realised that he was somewhat still intoxicated by alcohol and he passed out onto the floor.

* * *

_Wooh, finally got around to updating this story! But I'm finding it ever so much harder to come up with new material, so feel free to message me about what you think I could make fun of :)_

_-AEW Alchemist_


	8. Pride

Pride was in Wrath's office and was on his computer so he could log onto my Facebook account (which he don't even want to have, Father just insisted that all of the homunculus have one to stay in touch, even if the majority of them are in Central anyway) to check up on any possible notifications. Pride had quickly learnt not to go on Facebook at the homunculus' usual residence after his other siblings began to hack each others accounts, something Pride knew Wrath wouldn't do.

Pride logged onto his Facebook account to find that a stranger had sent him a private message. When he opened the message he could see from their profile picture that the message sender was a teenage girl who was called **SexahGurl **and she had written:

_Hey, you look kinda cute boy ;) Wanna meet up somewhere?_

Pride blinked in confusion and slight disgust.

"Have I even met this person?" Pride wondered aloud, "also her parents weren't that kind when giving her her name." Pride didn't really want to reply to this strange person but he felt just the slightly bit curious as to what her response would be.

_Have I ever met you, foolish human? I have no need or desire to ever wish for your aqquaintance. _

A few minutes later it appeared she had replied.

_No, but I've met you in my dreams!I'll change your mind about that ;) Plus, I have candy! Lots of candy!_

Pride was just confused so he decided to block her so she wouldn't be able to annoy him anymore. He then decided to back to the News Feed considering he had no other notifications. As he was reading the latest status of Envy (It read: _Siblings, who needs them anyway?_) he scoffed when he saw that Envy and Greed were already having a heated debate over the subject. Normally Pride would've just refreshed the page to watch two of the biggest idiots he knew leave their idiotic arguments online for the world to see, but Pride didn't feel like that today. Considering nothing else was going on he was about to log out, until he saw that Edward had sent him a message with the chat system.

**Hey Pride, how's my favourite midget?**

Pride growled. Edward had recently been trying to send as many messages as possible which thanked Pride for being of a relatively small statue. Usually it was just over the Private Messaging system so Pride could delete it. It was really starting to annoy him now.

_Shut up and annoy Mustang instead of me._

_-Edward Elric is now offline. Your message couldn't be sent-_

"What? That's not true! He sent it to me like two seconds ago! There's no way he-"

_-Edward Elric is now online-_

**Why? He's not the one trying to put me up for this sacrifice you guys keep talking about!**

_Edward, you were just offline now._

**What? No I wasn't.**

_But you we-_

_-Edward Elric is now offline. He won't recieve any messages you send.-_

The message saying that Edward was offline came up right as he was in the middle of typing his reply to the alchemist.

"If he wasn't the one logging out, is the damn chat broken or something?" Pride wondered aloud.

_-Edward Elric is now online-_

_Edward, I think this chat thing is broken. It keeps saying that you're going offline._

**No! You're the one who keeps going offline!**

_-Edward Elric is now offline. He won't recieve any messages you send.-_

"The fucking chat is broken," Pride cursed as he was now starting to get annoyed with Facebook, "I can't even have an argument with my enemy without it screwing up and breaking. This is why meeting up face-to-face is so much easier."

Pride closed the chat window-there was no point in having a broken conversation. He then saw that he had a new notification and clicked on it. He saw that Lust had invited him to go to an event called **The Promised Day. **Considering that the Promised Day was supposed to be secret to the majority of citizens in Amestris and the other surrounding countries, Pride was rather surprised to see that the event was public. He clicked on the event to find more information. He saw that Lust had put the date that the Promisd Day was scheduled and even written in the description box exactly what the plans of the homunculus were.

Pride got up from the leather seat he was sitting on and walked over to one of the beige walls in Wrath's office and banged his head against it three times before going back to his seat. He really could not believe the stupidity of his siblings sometimes, and Lust wasn't usually one of the dumber homunculus.

_Lust. What the hell are you doing? This is a secret plan for a reason you know. Idiot. _Pride wrote on the wall of the event. He saw a few seconds later that Greed had liked his comment.

_Seriously babe, can't you keep a secret? _Greed had commented as well.

_That's what I thought too, but Father actually wanted me to make this event on Facebook and make it public so to 'intimidate the people' or some crap like that. And I always keep secrets Greed. _Lust commented.

_Is he retarded? It was his plan in the first place! _Greed wrote.

_I just think he's excited about Facebook and is using any excuse to try everything. _Lust commented.

"I'm loyal to Father, but he really needs to learn not to get over excited over something as trivial as this website," Pride muttered under his breath as he got out of the chair he was sitting on and walked out of Wrath's office. He was sick of the headache the website was giving him. He didn't bother to log out of his account as he trusted Wrath not to be that immature.

The next day, Pride's status was set to _I love all humans and especially my brothers! Rainbows and puppies make me cry and I'm afraid of the dark._, his 'Intrested In' area was checked with _Men _and apparantly he liked the group _All things bright, beautiful and sparkly._

Pride was never using Facebook again.

* * *

_Seriously, the chat keeps doing this to me whenever I try to talk to someone, it's really frustrating._

_To the people who wanted a Pride chapter I hope I didn't dissapoint you and sorry for the four month break *runs from readers*_

_-Snoring Tiger_


	9. Wrath

One of the rather unusual tasks I must fulfill as the Führer of this country (and their are more than you'd think) is having to check my Facebook account daily to observe some of the more prominent members in the military and to make sure that are sacrifices are alive and well. Using Facebook was the easiest way for me to be able to keep track of all the more important players in Father's game in one place. It was rather handy to use Facebook.

Some of the aspects of Facebook were not.

So when I opened my Facebook first thing in the morning on Tuesday, 15th March 1913, I was not surprised to see that I had about fifteen 'friend requests' from either suck ups, people I have never met in my life and random citizens. In fact, usually I got about a hundred friend requests a day from people I never bothered to spare time for. It took a few minutes to go through all of the friend requests properly, but I managed quickly. It was rather annoying that I, leader of this country-not to mention homunculus-had to waste precious minutes on my FFacebook account but it could not be helped.

I went onto my profile and typed in the status box: _As much as I appreciate all of the friend requests, please stop sending them to me. 'Like' my fan page for official updates about me. I am a busy man you know._

Ah yes, my fan page. I was rather pleased with the fact that I was the only homunculus with a fan page, Greedling and Envy despise me for it (Especially Greedling, considering his host body is a prince after all). To stroke my ego, I decided to check my fan page to see if there was any activity on it at the moment. Seeing that there were just comments from the naïve citizens of Amestris telling me how much of a wonderful job I was doing (to quote a person called **Arthur Jones**, I was _The best leader Amestris has ever had! Seriously, this guy is the most awesome person and we all support him!_). It did rather cheer me up, considering all the meetings I was going to have to attend to in a few hours.

I navigated myself back to the news feed to see what was happening with other Generals and such at the moment. Brigadier General Basque Grand was currently on a detour down in the south of the country but was apparantly still in action so that was okay. Colonel Frank Archer had his status set to: _Diligently finishing my paperwork so our country can run smoothly. _I chuckled. Foolish, foolish human. I could plainly see he was trying to get onto my good side. It's funny how the mind of humans work, they think that high ranking people are just looking for people to agree with them.

But I'm getting off topic here. Out of curiosity, I looked over at the chat to see if any military personnel were online now when they shouldn't be (although with how faulty the chat is currently it would make no difference). Suprisingly, most of the Generals were online now.

Odd. I'd have to change that.

I decided I would lecture General Hakuro. I clicked on his avatar and wrote to him in the chat:

_General, I do believe you are meant to be working at the moment, not dawdling on the internet. _

His response was rather hasty.

_Führer, it's not what you believe! I was just online to recieve a message from General Yao._

I shook my head. Honestly, you think he'd have better judgement than to lie to his superior.

A superior who just so happens to wield swords.

_Yet he can't send them to your office General..._

_If you would like us to do that from now on Führer, that can be arranged. _Hakuro hastily replied before he logged out. Ah, how nice it was to keep the military personnel on their toes, so ready to do my bidding.

I saw that I had gotten a notification so I clicked on it and saw that it was a Farmville gift request from Envy.

"Again?" I muttered angrily on it as I clicked on the invitation. Lately Envy had been getting a rather...unusual addiction to Farmville. His sole purpose for going onto Facebook was not to do what Father asked him to but was instead making sure that his farm was alive and well. Now it wouldn't bother me if he kept quiet and to himself about this obsession, but now he has been sending me (and judging by complaints on his wall, all the people on his friend's list) Farmville gifts daily and it was beginning to get on my nerves. Out of curiosity, I counted that I currently had seventy eight gift requests from Envy alone that I had not bothered to go through yet.

As I was manually deleting each of his requests, I noticed a rather saint-like button staying hidden around a bunch of meaningless text-_ Ignore all requests from this user._

"It understands, thank heavens," I sighed in relief as I clicked that button. Finally Facebook made a right decision for a useful option.

I glanced at the clock on the bottom of the screen and saw that Pride would be coming into my office to update his Facebook account in a few minutes. He was a sweet child when he felt like it. He could be so naïve at times though.

A FEW HOURS LATER

I returned to my desk in my office to see that Pride had not logged out of his Facebook account. I felt, that as his parental figure, it was time I taught him a lesson the hard way.

"This'll be fun," I chuckled as I began to change the information on his account. It was his fault after all for leaving it on, and was a good way for me to wind down after tedious meetings.

How I loved Facebook at times.

* * *

_Finally, writing one of the chapters from 1st person *is proud of myself* Also this takes place before the previous chapter, sorry for the confusion!_

_So yeah I decided that because some people want me to do the Facebook accounts of the homunculi, I will do all of theirs in one go, then focus more on people in the military and other non-military characters._

_I'm going to South Africa in two days, I can't wait to go! (especially to see the penguins ^-^) which means there'll be no updates for about two weeks._

_Special thanks to jrlrock for inspiration for this and future chapters :)_

_-Snoring Tiger_


	10. Author's Notice, Please Read

**Lately it's just been hard for me to get around to updating this story-along with my other ones. At the moment I have three to five main stories that need to be updated and I'm just losing track of everything. Writing and updating has turned into more of a chore than I would like to admit, not to mention that I am not as keen on the FMA fandom as I originally was; Don't get me wrong, I still adore the series but I've been with it for so long it's starting to get sllightly dull.**

**As well as what I've mentioned above, more things are happening in real life. I'm kinda embarrased to say it, but when I originally started writing it filled up a gap for having such a small social life and not having many friends. Now a year later I have found more decent friends and I do want to spend time with friends which fills the time I use for writing. I want to focus for a while also on studying, in particular maths and I'm sure that'll keep me quite preoccupied.**

**I guess what I'm saying overall is that my non one-shot stories will not be updated for a few months minimum unless the stars are perfectly aligned and I feel like writing with nothing getting in the way. It's a shame because I was planning to start my third list fic on September 20th, but I don't know what's happening with that.**

**I still want to talk and message people here though so feel free to leave a message :)**

**-Snoring Tiger**


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